10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Characters
by Patronus Charm
Summary: Title pretty much explains all. Not my best fic as it has no plot but hey read it any way. First Chapter is Edward Cullen. Contest results now UP! NOW COMPLETE! Please read the Authors Note!
1. Edward Cullen

**Hi peoples! This is just a little fic about well, the title says it all. The first chappie is Edward. **

**Note: I won't take all the credit, my friends MistHeart13, Snowstorm25, Leafdrop, and ****xNymphadoraxTonksx helped out a lot. About half the ideas here are theirs. **

**Disclaimer: Seriously, if I owned Twilight I wouldn't have to write fanfiction! **

10 ways to annoy Edward Cullen 

1: Don't think.

2: Buy him a dog. Name it Jacob.

3: Knock on his door and the second he opens it, start singing Christmas carols really loud and off key.

….make sure you do this around Easter.

4: Make him go out with you to a fancy restrant for his Birthday when it isn't his Birthday. Get all offended when he won't eat anything. Start crying.

5: Send him love letters and sign them "You dearest Victoria".

6: Set him up with Jessica.

7: lock him in a room with Mike, Tyler, Eric, and Jacob. Give everyone except him a picture of Bella. Do the math people.

8: Tell him you think Mike x Bella is a WAY better couple than Edward x Bella. Then tell him that the reason you think that is because Mike and Bella just got married. Run really fast…

9: Force him to read Jacob x Edward slash… over and over and over….

10: Constantly think about kissing Bella.

**Ok thanks for reading! Hope you like it! If you have any ideas feel free to share! Next chapter will be Jacob. BWHAHAHA!! **

**Patronus Out!**


	2. Jacob Black mutt boy

**HI!! Me again! This chappie is Jacob Black. **

**Harry Potter fans will get this. BELLATRIX BLACK! GO PRUNE YOUR FAMILY TREE!! Edward x Bella forever! **

**Disclaimer: No ownedge. **

10 Ways to Annoy Jacob Black

1: Buy him a cat. Name it Edward. Make sure you taught him about chasing the poor thing. 

2: Tell him Bella is allergic to dogs. 

3: "Accidently" sign him up for ballet classes…

…and invite Edward and Bella to come watch him perform. 

4: Set him up with one of the Cullen's…

…doesn't matter which gender that Cullen is. 

5: Get Edward to take him to take him to a dog obedience course. 

6: Tell him Bella is gay. 

7: Tell Alice he is in love with her… leave Alice to the rest. 

8: Force him to listen to a 4 or more hour speech about how hot Edward is. 

9: Paint his motor cycle pink… 

….tell him Edward did it

…let Edward have a little fun with mutt boy. 

10: Dress up as an animal control officer and chase him around. 

**Like it? Hate it? Have ideas? LET ME KNOW!! PLEASE refrain from flaming, cuz I can and will get my revenge. THE REVIEW BUTTON LOVES YOU!! Next chappie: James followed by Bella or maybe Alice. **

**Patronus OUT!! **


	3. James the idiot

**HI!! Back again! Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers; this is the most reviews I have ever gotten in 2 days. Want to make me update even faster? REVIEW MY OTHER STORIES!! **

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine. **

10 Ways to annoy James

_A.k.a. 10 ways to get yourself killed. _

1: When he is making his evil plans to get Bella, randomly say things under your breath like "That's not going to work!" or "You're funeral" and my favorite "A piece of cheese could come up with a plan more cunning than that."

2: Sign him up for anger management.

…no one can deny he doesn't need it

3: Force him to read about his death in Twilight. Cry and then laugh under your breath. Make sure he hears both.

4: Chase him around with garlic. Get Jacob Black to help.

5: Show him those love letters "Victoria" sent Edward.

6: Force him to play a game with you that you invented. Change the rules every 5 seconds so he loses.

7: "accidentally" sign him up for an Edward fan club. Force him to go to every single meeting.

8: lock him in a room with Edward, Jacob, Mike, etc and before you leave remind them about how James wanted to murder Bella. Watch the fun!

9: make him write fanfiction with you. Correct his grammar. Let people flame him and laugh when yours gets good reviews.

10: Tell him Victoria likes men who wear tutus. Buy him one; get all offended when he doesn't wear it. Start crying and don't stop until he puts it on. Video tape him in it and send it to the Cullens', the Volturi, the Quileutes, Victoria, etc.

**Yep. Not my best chappie but I still like it. Any ideas? Review. Comments, questions, concerns? REVIEW!! REVIEW MY OTHER STORIES TOO OR I WILL SEND GIANT LOBSTERS AFTER YOU!! **

**Just kidding! Review all the same… Next chapter will be either Alice or Bella next after that will be Mike (haha that one will be fun...). **

**Luv ya! **

**Patronus**


	4. Bella Swan

**Yep. Back yet again. Sorry if the updates are a little slower, I had to go back to school today. Don't worry though; spring break is just around the corner! **

**Disclaimer: Don't own it! Blah blah blah blah blah. On with the torture of our favorite characters! **

10 Ways to Annoy Bella Swan

1: Knock on her door. Scream "I love Edward and he loves me!" Run really fast…

2: Tell her Jessica and Edward are getting married. Ask her if she would like to be the bridesmaid.

3: Pay someone to hire Bella as a tight-rope walker. Invite Edward to come watch. Video tape the whole thing and send it to everyone she knows.

4: Tell her that some people named Jane and Aro are comeing to visit. Watch her scream. While you're at it, don't hesitate to add that James has come back from the dead and is coming with them.

5: Send Mike love letters and sign her name.

…afterwards show Edward these letters.

6: Tell Alice that Bella REALLY wants to go shopping with her, instead of going out with Edward as planned.

7: Tell her that Edward is really a wizard named Cedric Diggory, and that he dies in the 4th book. Refuse to explain what the heck you're talking about.

8: Set her up with Tyler.

9: Insist she needs a new hair cut and force her to let you do it. Give her a Mohawk.

…make sure you do this just before she goes on a date with Edward.

10: two words: Edward slash.

**HAHA!! Hope you liked it! Next chappie: Alice, followed by Mike. I have had requests for a Emmett chappie. There's one little problem, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!! You want an Emmett (I do too…) send me ideas!**

**Review!! Don't neglect my other stories, their lonely! They haven't gotten nearly as much attention as this fic. That completely stumps me as this fic has no plot what so ever! **

**Patronus**


	5. Alice Cullen

**I am back yet again. As I said before, this is the Alice chappie. Before I begin the torture of everyone's favorite future-seeing vampire, I just wanna say thanks to all of you guys who have been reviewing, favoriteing, etc. I have never gotten so many reviews in such a short time. A special thanks to all of the people who gave my other stories a try too. This chappie goes out to all you guys! Thanks a ton! **

**Disclaimer: As brilliant as I am I didn't write Twilight. I know a real shocker! **

**Please note, ****xNymphadoraxTonksx**** and MistHeart13 helped out with this one. Thanks to you guys too! **

**Ok now enough with all the mushy stuff. ON WITH THE TORMENTING!! MWHAHAHAHA!!**

10 Ways to Annoy Alice Cullen

1: Ask her to go shopping with you. Don't buy anything.

2: Give all her clothes to charity.

3: Lock Jasper in a closet for two months. Throw mutt boy in with him so Alice can't figure out what happened to him. When she asks you where he is tell her he is on his honeymoon with Jane. Refuse to tell her where they went.

4: Set her up with Mike.

…after she gets back buy her a golden retriever. Name it Mike.

…Tell her that Mike bought it for her to "remember him buy".

5: Tell her Aro is coming back for Bella. When she asks you why she didn't see this coming, laugh at her. Run away before she can react.

6: Encourage Jacob Black to follow her around. Constantly.

7: Force her to read BellaxJasper fanfiction… over and over and over…

8: Tell her you hate shopping. When she gets made cry and throw a fit.

9: Follow her around singing love songs really loud and off-key. Have Mike join you.

10: Tell her that Edward and Bella are going to get married in Vegas.

**Yep. Thanks for reading and thank you to all who gave me ideas for future chappies. I am ready to do a Emmett. Next up: Mike after that will be Emmett. **

**Luv you peoples!**

**Patronus **


	6. Golden Retriever boy, AKA Mike Newton

**BACK!! I am very excited for this chappie; I finally get to torture Mike! DOWN WITH GOLDEN RETRIEVER BOY!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I am also excited because THIS STORY HAS OVER 50 REVIEWS!! YEA!! THANKS TO All PEOPLE WHO REVIEWED!! YOU'RE ALL AWSOME!!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing… expect my torture methods! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!**

10 Ways to Annoy Golden Retriever Boy, Aka Mike Newton 

1: Imitate a golden retriever whenever he walks past you.

2: Tell him that Bella told you that given the choice between him and a vampire, she would pick the vampire. Get Edward to back you up.

3: Tell him that you know some of his distant cousins. When he asks to know which ones, show him. Bring in your pet retriever.

4: Take him to the mall in the real world. Let him be beat up by Twilight fans. Ditch him after about an hour and go buy Patronus something nice.

5: Say do you still have the flash cards from the speech on Edward's hotness? Time to use them again…

6: Constantly compare him to Edward. Tell him that it was a wonder that any girl liked him with Cullen around… Watch the fun.

7: Tell Jessica that Mike personally told you that he thinks Bella is sexy and that he was only going out with her to make Bella jealous. Tell her that on a scale of 1-10 Mike rated her a five while Bella got a ten. Causally mention that the pair is getting married next week and ask if she was invited. Make sure Mike is standing with in slapping range when you say that last part… It is advised that you bring popcorn.

8: Knock on his door at 2:00 in the morning. The second he opens it start singing opera. Don't stop.

9: Pay Bella and Edward to make-out in front of him.

10: Tell him Jacob Black is in love with him. Scream this in the halls of Forks Highschool.

**MWHAHAHAHA!! GO DIE MIKE!! Coming up next is the long awaited Emmett chappie! After that is his wonderful girl friend Rosalie! **

**Thanks for the ideas and the reviews!**

**Luv ya all!**

**Patronus**


	7. Emmett Cullen

**Hello my wonderful readers! Sorry I took longer than normal to update, I was really busy with dance (yes I am a ballerina make fun of ballet and you die). YEA ME!! I THINK I MAY HAVE GOTTEN THE LEAD!! OH YES I AM AWESOME!! Ok, shutting up now…**

**Special thanks to Reducto13, ****Ayame Uchiha-kun, and anyone else who gave me ideas. **

**Disclaimer: Oh yes I own Twilight, cuz I am just so awesome. IF YOU BELIEVED THAT YOU ARE MENTALLY CONFUSSED!! **

**And now without further rambling I present the long awaited Emmett chappie!**

10 Ways to Annoy Emmett Cullen

1: Tell him grizzlies are extinct.

2: Force him to go shopping with Alice…

…tell Alice in advance that Emmett wants a whole new wardrobe.

3: Force him to go disco dancing with you…

…invite Rosalie to come watch.

4: Tell him Rosalie left him for Jacob. Get Jacob to back you up.

5: Write a slash fic with him in it. Force him to read it. Tell Rosalie that HE wrote it. Watch the fun!

6: Get the rest of his family and Bella to go some place for the weekend. Don't tell Emmett where they are going. When he asks where they are tell him that they are going to Rosalie's wedding. Wonder aloud why he wasn't invited.

7: Invite the Volturi over some time. Pay Rosalie to flirt with Aro.

…while you're at it have Jane flirt with Emmett.

9: Get Jessica to follow him everywhere.

10: Set him up with Laurent.

**Thanks for the ideas! Next up: Rosalie. After that: its people's choice!! Review to vote for the character you want to see next!!**

**Patronus OUT!! **


	8. Rosalie Hale

**I don't feel like rambling this time…**

**Special thanks to Princesscupcakes, edwardsbelovedangel, and PeaceLoveJonas7894. Your ideas rock! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my torture tactics, demonstrated below. **

10 Ways to Annoy Rosalie Hale

1: Constantly remind her that she isn't human. Casually let it slip that Emmett wishes she was…

…and is now going out with the human, Jessica.

2: Blindfold her. Give her a Mohawk. Tell her Emmett LOVES a bad-girl. Get her to wear the hair-do on a date with him…

…watch what comes next, you'll need more popcorn.

3: Tell her that Emmett left her for Edward. **A/N you know, I could really make a fortune selling popcorn here…**

4: Constantly compare her to Bella. Wonder aloud why in the world Emmett picked her while Bella was so much prettier and kinder. Run. Fast.

5: Set her up with Sam (or if you're really feeling nasty try Charlie).

6: Lock her in a closet with Jacob Black. Don't let her out until she agrees to kiss him in front of Emmett..

7: Remember those love letters to Edward from "Victoria"? Change them around so they read "To Rosalie, from your dearest James". Take a picture of the look on her face when she gets those letters. Send them to everyone you know.

8: Paint her awesome red car a barf colored green.

9: Tell her Royce has come back from the dead and wants to say hi…

10: After the closet thing, make her read Jacob x Rosalie fanfiction.

**WOW!! I have so many reviews I don't know what to do with myself! KEEP M COMING PEEPS!! YOU ARE ALL AWESOME!! **

**The winner of the people's choice contest is Charlie, so he is next. Second place went to the second-most-awesomeist Cullen bro: Jasper so he is after that. **

**Thanks for the attention you are giving me. Oh and I don't hate Rosalie, she is just very fun to annoy. **

**LYL!!**

**Patronus**


	9. Charlie Swan

**Hi ya peoples! Here's the Charlie chappie!! **

**Special thanks to Princesscupcakes, xNymphadoraxTonksx, and edwardsbelovedangel. Once again your ideas rock and are high on the awesome scale. **

**Disclaimer: I am too awesome to own Twilight. HA no, I just don't own it. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! **

10 Ways to Annoy Charlie Swan

1**: Buy him a motor cycle, tell him Jacob bought it, and pay Jacob to cry when Charlie refuses to ride it and wants to get rid of it. **

2: Tell him the truth about Edward and Jacob (you know what they REALLY are…). Get Edward to back you up. Video tape his expression and send it to everyone you know plus dear old Patronus. It is recommended that you buy Act Two Butter Lovers popcorn for this occasion, it's just plain awesome.

3: Tell him the Police Station fired him and is replacing him with Edward, seeing how he has way faster reflexes. Two words: Bring popcorn. SEND ME A VIDEO OF HIS EXPRESSION!!

4: set him up with Jessica... have her talk about how hot Edward is all night and how Bella needs to die because she deserves her position.

5: Two words: Bella slash.

6: Force him to read Eclipse (more specifically the kissing scenes) over and over. Points given to people who can make him hurl. Points taken away if he hurls on _**MY**_ book.

7: After doing the last one take him to a Twilight book signing (take me too!!). Introduce him to Stephanie Meyer. Get her to talk about Bella and Edward romance. Don't let her stop for at least two hours. Note: If for some reason he didn't catch it all, you can always recite your speck on Edward's hotness again… and again.

8: Buy him a dog named Jacob and a cat named Edward. Watch his face… (**Warning:** language used by Charlie after this one may not be suitable for small children).

9: Tell him that Bella and Edward eloped. See above for warning.

10: Tell him Billy has a crush on him.

**Yep. I finished another one. Next up: Jasper. After that: I am doing this special chappie. It's the readers choice encore chappie!! **

**Here's how it works. You readers at home review this story and vote for a character that has already been featured in this fic for me to do again. You can also submit ideas. **

**Your choices are:**

**1: Edward Cullen**

**2: Jacob Black**

**3: James**

**4: Bella Swan**

**5: Alice Cullen**

**6: Mike Newton**

**7: Emmett Cullen**

**8: Rosalie Hale**

**VOTE!! ONLY 5 MORE REVIEWS TIL WE REACH 100!! **

**Patronus**


	10. Jasper Hale

**Hey my wonderful reviewers! WE BROKE 100 REVIEWS!! I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE WHO HELPED ME ON MY WAY TO GREATNESS AND SNOWSTORM25 CUZ SHE IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND MIGHT JUST KILL ME IF I DON'T MENTION HER!!**

**Ok, done being freaky now.**

**Special thanks to I. Write. Sins. Not. Tragedies. , I hate ballet (that's a person's username I LUV BALLET!!), and xNymphadoraxTonksx for the awesome ideas! There're more people who shared ideas but I am too lazy to look up the names. **

**Disclaimer: I am just too awesome to own Twilight! Just kidding! I just don't own it… BOOO HOO!! ******

10 Ways to Annoy Jasper Hale

1: Force him to read Alice slash and/or Jasper slash. When you're done force him to write some. Note: It is advised you do not wear nice clothes because of the barfing hazard.

2: **Send Alice gushy love notes from Mike, and make him read them all. Pay Mike to hit on Alice while she is with Jasper.**

3: Get Alice and the rest of the Cullens to go someplace for the day. Don't tell Jasper where Alice and Edward are. When he asks about them get all teary and say that they eloped and you are terrible sorry for him. Make sure you are long gone by the time the Cullens get back.

4: Take him to the studio audience of Dr. Phil. When it's over offer to consul him because the show has convinced you that he is emotionally unstable. Lecture him for countless hours about how he can improve this. Don't hesitate to continue in front of the Cullens or anyone else he knows. Bring soda to go with your popcorn.

5: Lock him in a room with a girl who is PMS and has emotional problems. Watch the fun from a safe distance.

6: Set him up with Jane. Video tape her flirting with him and send it to Alice. Tell Alice he went on the date willingly. DUN DUN DUN DUN!!

7: Follow him around singing "Girlfriend". Get Mike and Jessica to help you.

8: Let him loose on fan girls!

9: **Tell Alice that all of his clothes got burnt mysteriously and he now needs a new wardrobe. When she has him try on a bunch of clothes at the mall, laugh at him. Bring popcorn and soda.**

10: Buy him a hideous pink sweater. Force him to wear it on a date with Alice.

**Yep. Another poor Twilight character tormented by yours truly, but for one unlucky character it's not quite over. I now present the results of the Reader's Choice Encore. **

**Tied in 5****th**** place all with 0 votes are James, Mike, and Emmett. **

**Following closely in 4****th**** are Bella and Rosalie with 1 vote apiece. **

**In 3****rd**** place with 2 votes is Alice. **

**2****nd**** place goes to Jacob with four votes…**

…**and now I am proud to announce the character who will be receiving more torture…**

…**in 1rst place with 8 votes is…**

**Ladies and gentlemen EDWARD CULLEN!!**

**Yes, yes at the moment things aren't looking so good for poor Eddie, BUT if you are set on having one of these other characters tortured than now is your chance: I am going to Leafdrop's Birthday party tomorrow so I won't be able to update, leaving you with ONE MORE CHANCE TO VOTE!! It's ok if you already voted, you get one more vote. **

**SO WHAT ARE YOU STILL READING MY RANTING FOR!! REVIEW TO SEAL THE CHARACTER'S FATE AND TO MAKE PATRONUS HAPPY!!**

**That's right just guide your little mice over to that review button…**

**Love you all!**

**Patronus**


	11. ENCORE!

**Hi!! Sorry I took so long to update. It's spring break so I planned to spend my time writing but my family had other ideas. So without any further rambling I am proud to present the Edward ENCORE!! **

**Special thanks to xNymphadoraxTonksx and Snowstorm25, they really gave me a lot of ideas for this chappie. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. **

10 _**MORE**_ Ways to Annoy Edward Cullen

1: Get Bella to go spend some time with Alice for the day. Don't tell Edward. When he asks where she is tell him that she went to Italy to b 'changed' by Aro. Encourage him to go to Italy to 'bring her home'. Watch the fun. Buy some popcorn and gummy worms for the occasion.

2: Send him to the circus clown union, and make THEM give HIM a makeover, then have him go to Bella's house, pick her up, then go to his house and take the WHOLE Cullen family out to dinner in the fanciest restaurant in town. (Follow him to make sure he doesn't change).

3**: Burn all of his clothes, and tell Alice that he needs a new full wardrobe. Watch the fun.**

4: Crash his Volvo**. Buy** **him an old broken down truck just like Bella's for a replacement. When he refuses to ride in it and says that its way to slow, brake down and start to cry. Refuse to stop until he agrees to use it. **

**5: Force him to watch lots of sappy chick flicks with Bella, Rosalie, and Alice.**

**6: **Take Bella away for a week, when Edward asks where she is, say her and Jacob are getting married and ask him if he wants to come to the baby shower.

...Two words: run fast

7: Follow him around singing disco.

8: Lock Bella in a room with Jacob, make sure he is armed with chocolates, roses, a ring, and his best flirting behavior. Force Edward to watch! (Bring a shield and popcorn!).

9: Force him to take you and Bella to the Twilight movie. Afterwards pay Bella to tell him that she thinks Robert Patterson is WAY cuter than him.

10: Tell him Bella is dead.

…or actually kill Bella.

**MUWHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA!! Yes, yes I am evil. Don't worry Eddie, we still love you. Sorry about the lack of review replies, I have been really busy, and anyway I figured you peoples would rather have a decent chappie then 159 review replies. **

**Coming up next: You hate her, Golden retriever boy loves her, IT'S JESSICA!!**

**After that: I was thinking of doing Jane, or I could do the entire Volturi together, you pick. Still taking requests for future chappies!**

**Thanks to all who reviewed, YOU PEOPLES ARE AWSOME!!**

**Patronus OUT!! **


	12. Jessica the insert swear word here

**Hi! Back with yet another update. I would like to take this time to welcome my friend Meadowsong to fanfiction. Thanks for finally taking my advice! **

**Special thanks to ****quirky-as-alice****, ****edwardcullenissosexy****, and xNymphadoraxTonksx. Your ideas helped me a lot! **

**Disclaimer: Oh yes I own Twilight... If you believed that I am sorry to say you have some problems. **

10 Ways to Annoy Jessica Stanley 

1: Follow her on one of her dates with Golden Retriever Boy. Burp the abc's non-stop. After your done sing opera. Feel free to be as loud as you want. MUWHAHAHA!!

2: Lock her in a room with Bella and Edward and pay the two of them to make out in front of her.

3: Cut off all her hair. Tell Mike that she did this so he wouldn't like her anymore… watch the fun!

4: Tell her that Edward wants to go on a date with her. Let her get ready, then cancel and tell her that the invite was for Bella not her.

5: Two words: Edward slash.

6: Pay a gay person to follow her around.

…and say disturbing things to her in front of Mike.

7: Send her to a hippy convention and pay them to give her a hippy makeover just before she goes out with Mike. Follow her to make sure she doesn't change. Video tape the date and send a copy to everyone she knows. Bring popcorn.

8: Tell her that Mike left her for Jasper AND Edward.

9: Constantly compare her to Bella. Say things like "It's no wonder Edward likes Bella and not her, I mean Bella is SO much prettier…" or "How that Mike Newton kid likes her is a mystery to me…". Feel free to get as nasty as you want.

10: Force her to go on a date with Charlie. Let Bella and the Cullens watch.

**Ha yes. The torture continues. I really hate Jessica, she is a #&# &)#. ONLY 10 MORE REVIEWS TIL WE BREAK 200!! YOU GUYS ARE AWSOME!! **

**Next up: Jane! **

**After that: either Tyler or Aro. **

**After that: I was thinking about doing a Renée but I don't know how popular that would be…**

**Keep reviewing! **

**Patronus OUT!!**


	13. Jane

**OMG!! THIS STORY HAS MORE THAN 200 REVIEWS!! AND IT HAS OVER 60 ALERTS!! KEEP M' COMING PEOPLES!! YOU MADE MY DAY!!**

**I would like to take this opportunity to welcome yet another of my personal friends to . Welcome to the fanfiction world ****ashleytisdale098!!**

**Special thanks to ****edwardsbelovedangel for the ideas. **

**Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, I think you peoples are aware that I don't own Twilight. **

10 Ways to Annoy Jane

1: Remind her that she can't torture Bella. Constantly…

2: Mention Demitri likes her... and plans on planning an extravagant party for her to show his "love" for her. Bring gummy worms in case she embarrasses herself.

3: Force her to eat nothing but animals for a year. When she is back on her normal diet invite the Quileutes over. Tell them to bring a dog as a gift for her. Watch her go nuts! Warning: this may be hazardous to Mutt Boy's health. All the more reason for you to do this one!

4: Set her up with Mike, Eric, Tyler, Jasper, and Jacob… all in the same day!

5: Tell her that Edward changed Bella and that Bella's power is WAY cooler than any powers the Volturi happen to have. Refuse to tell her what Bella's power is. Run before she gets too anger though.

6: Sign her up for ballet classes with three-year-olds. Invite the rest of the Volturi and the Cullens to come watch.

7: Invite her to paint Easter eggs with you. Get all offended when she refuses. Cry.

…do this around Christmas to add to your fun!

8: Send her back in time to when there were no humans around. Send a video camera with her so you can laugh at her.

9: Pay Jacob Black to interrupt the Volturi's secret meetings with a stripper type dance routine. Tell Jacob Black that JANE told you to pay him to do that… Bring soda to go with your popcorn.

10: You'll need you 2 hour speech about Edward's hotness for this one… After your done tell her that HE thinks that she is ugly and looks like an over-grown pig on legs.

**Not my best chappie but yea. **

**Next up: Tyler.**

**After that: Either Aro or Esme. **

**I was also thinking about doing a Renée chappie later on.**

**R&R!!**

**Patronus OUT!!**


	14. Tyler

**Hi! I am back after much delay. May happens to be the busiest month of the year for me next to December for two reasons. Reason 1: Dance recital. Reason 2: My Birthday. What can you do may you ask to make my Birthday awesome? REVIEW!! I would like to whip the smirk off of xNymphadoraxTonksx's face when my Warriors story (Four Clans, One Loyalty) gets more reviews than her. We sort of have a little competition going between us friends. Wow, I just can't shut up can I? On with the story!**

**Special thanks to all who have reviewed and contributed ideas for this fic! You are all awesome!**

**Disclaimer: The lawyers are crying cuz they can't sue! I don't own Twilight!! LALALALA!! **

10 Ways to Annoy Tyler Crowie 

1: Crash his car. Pretend to feel all bad about it. Buy him bright pink junk car to "make up for it". Force him to drive it to school.

2: Constantly remind him that Bella and Edward are getting married. Pretend to feel sorry for him. Offer to find him a date do he won't continue to look like a total idiot. Throw a fit if he says no. Oh, and don't forget to make sure that "date" of his is Jacob Black.

3: Tell him that Bella told you that if given a choice between dating a Tarantula or him, she would pick the Tarantula.

4: Offer to give him an extreme-makeover so Bella will like him. Shave his head and put really gaudy makeup on him. Give him a rainbow-colored beard. Take a few thousand pictures of him and send them to everyone you can think of. Don't forget to post some on the internet. Send a few extra to Bella.

5: Tell him that Eric Yorkie thinks he's hot.

6: Introduce him to Jane. Before hand, tell Jane that Tyler thinks she's sexy. Bring popcorn.

7: Just before his Birthday, tell everyone he knows that he knows that he wants "My Little Pony" stuff for his Birthday. Take pictures of him unopening the presents and send one to Patronus so she can laugh at her evilness.

8: Force him to watch Titanic with you. Mention that Edward and Bella remind you of Jack and Rose. Tell him that he reminds you of Cal. **(A/N For those of you who have never seen Titanic, Jack and Rose were the Bella and Edward of the story. Cal was this really mean person Rose was supposed to marry. No one liked him. HE MUST DIE LIKE MUTT BOY!! Anyway, on with the torture!) **

9: On April Fool's Day, write I love Jacob Black all over his face while he's sleeping. When he wakes up tell him that he has something on his face. I am willing to bet money that he won't believe you, after all, who falls for the lame old "You've got stuff on your face" gag anyway?

10: Dye all of his clothes pink. Tell him Alice did it and pink is what ALL the fashionable men are wearing. If he still doesn't believe you, tell him that Bella told you that she thinks guys who wear pink are hot. Take pictures, bring popcorn, you know the drill by now.

**Yep. Tyler has been tortured. My work here is done… for now. (Thunder cracks while I do a crazy evil laugh that sounds something like MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!)**

**Next up: Esme.**

**Followed by: Renee. **

**See you peoples next time!**

**Patronus OUT!!**


	15. Esme Cullen Happy Mother's Day!

**I am back! To help celebrate Mother's Day- I am annoying the awesome vampire mother Esme! **

**Special thanks to all who helped and to my long time friends, xNymphadoraxTonksx and Leafdrop! **

**Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue. I don't own Twilight BOO HOO!! (I don't even own this Disclaimer. I "borrowed" it from xNymphadoraxTonksx, who "borrowed" it from someone else.) **

10 Ways to Annoy Esme Cullen

1: Invite her to go streaking with you. Tell Carlisle she said yes. What happens next?

2: Pay a drunken hillbilly to follow her around and track mud/cow poop/etc all over her house.

3: Tell her Carlisle left her for Edward…

…and Aro.

4: Write her life story. Make sure it's filled with things like how she two-timed Carlisle with Jane and how she is single handedly responsible for Global warming and the decay of the ozone layer. Send it to everyone you can think of. Send Carlisle two copies. Oh, and don't forget to tell everyone she wrote it.

5: Next time the Cullens go hunting throw a huge party at their house. Break EVERYTHING and make a total mess. Make sure the party is done before Esme gets back- but leave the mess. When she gets back tell her Jacob did it. POP CORN ALERT!!

6: After doing the last one pretend to feel all sorryish about her wrecked house. To "make up for it" give it an all extreme makeover with a Gothic/Redneck theme. When she tries to re-do it cry until she agrees to keep it.

7: Shave her head. Tell her Edward did it for a mother's day present.

8: Tell her Edward left to join the Volturi when he really only left on a date with Bella. Watch her flip out when he gets back! Bring popcorn, remember you manners and save some for mom, its mother's day after all.

9: Send her a mother's day card that plays "Sexy Back" and follow her around with it. Open, close, open, close… Tell her Jane sent it to her.

10: Show her this list. Tell her Jacob Black wrote it. (Hey, I personally do NOT want to me murdered by a very unhappy vampire.)

**Happy Mother's day reviewers! I can now confirm that this story will have five more regular chappies, plus a special farewell contest. It might just have a sequel though… I know it's a tall order but I would like to get 300 reviews before the end of the fic. I will be offering a special prize to the 300****th**** reviewer. They get to be honored along with my 1****st****, 100****th****, and 200****th**** reviewers! **

**Patronus OUT!! **


	16. MuttBoy I am your Father its billy black

**Yes, I am did not walk off the face of the Earth! I am BACK! Sorry this update took so long, my dear friends decided I was so brilliant I needed to help them write stuff for their stories, AND Leafdrop's computer decided to be a butt-head and so I had wait for her to give me her stuff for the story she and I are working on together, and then I had to type the whole bloody thing out. **

**So yea, ranting complete. **

**Special thanks to whoever FINALLY fixed Leafdrop's computer! **

**Disclaimer: In a parallel universe, I own Twilight and Stephanie Meyer calls herself Patronus and spends all day on the computer writing fanfiction. **

10 Ways to Annoy Billy Black

1: Ask him if he's given his son his rabies shots yet this year.

2: Tell him that Jacob and "that one leech" eloped. Causally mention that he's a Grandpa. I hope you aren't out of popcorn…

3: Tell him that, in your opinion, Edward and Bella are meant to be. WHY might you ask? Because Jacob and Alice have… well let's just say they've been busy. Run, fast.

4: Send him love letters and sign them "With love, from Charlie." When he shows them to you, say that he should go and set Charlie straight, watch the fun!

…for extra laughs have Jacob and Bella present when Billy starts talking.

5: Tell him Jacob imprinted…

…on Rosalie.

6: Call his house randomly for hours. Each time you call, ask him where that mutt is he wants neutered.

7: Kidnap Jacob. When Billy asks you were he is, tell him that Jacob got into a bit of trouble with Animal Control. You will need to get as far away from him as possible.

8: When he is hungry, offer him Senior Dog food.

9: Every time you see him, start sneezing. When he asks you why you are sneezing, tell him that you are allergic to dogs.

10: Send him an invitation to Edward and Bella's wedding... make sure to include MANY pictures of them making out, hugging, etc.

**Like it?? Hope it was worth the wait! I will try to update sometime Monday. **

**Now for the more important matter, which character do you wanna see next?**

**Here are the choices: **

**Renée**

**Sam**

**Leah**

**Emily**

**Victoria **

**Carlisle **

**Tanya **

**The Quileutes**

**Eric**

**Lauren **

**REVIEW!!**

**Patronus OUT!!**


	17. Carlisle

**HI MY AWSOME REVIEWERS!! SCHOOL IS OUT!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! That means that I will have WAY more time for this story as well as all my other ones. I would also like to announce the winner of the 300 reviews contest. Congrats to Vanity is Precious! She chose the one-shot called Some Romeo I am, which I will start working on SOON. **

**Special thanks to Snowstorm25 and I Hate Ballet for their ideas! **

**Isclaimerday: Iay ontday ownay ilighttway. Ahay! Myay iscalimerday isay inay igpay atinlay! Acobjay ackblay isay aay erkjay!**

**10 Ways to Annoy Carlisle Cullen**

1: Tell him that Esme left him for a traveling circus clown.

2: Tell him that the only way to win her heart back is to dress up like a clown and sing the Canadian National Anthem, like her new boyfriend. Invite the WHOLE WORLD to come and watch! You will make a fortune on popcorn!

3: After the clown incident tell him that Esme left him for a hooker. A female hooker.

4: Tell him that Edward thinks he's hot.

5: Send him some frilly pink lingerie. Tell him it's from Aro.

6: Ask him to go streaking with you.

7: Tell him that Esme likes 'gansta girls'.

8: When he's working at the hospital burst in with a crucifix and a wooden stake and scream "THE VAMPIRE SHALL EAT US ALL!!". Point to him and run. Do this randomly over the course of a few weeks.

9: Ask him if he needs a blood transfusion.

10: Make him watch Telli-Tubbies for hours on end. Tell the whole world he actually likes it. Then redecorate his room with the Telli-Tubbies expansion pack. Refuse to change it back until he changes you or wears his clown outfit to work for a week.

**I don't feel like ranting. Next up is Renée, followed by Victoria and then Tanya. **

**PATRONUS OUT!!**


	18. Renee

**Hey, hey! IT'S SUMMER!! Well, not quite, I have a 2 week long summer intensive dance thingy to go through before my writing time extreme comes into play, but the hour long car ride DOES give me time to think up new evil ideas, time to type them? Ha, no. **

**Disclaimer: Too tired to think of anything creative to say. **

**Special thanks to everyone who helped in any way or reviewed! You guys are awesome!**

**10 Ways to Annoy Renee **

1: Tell her Edward got Bella pregnant. Or was it Emmett… Warning! You may be in danger from her throwing things/and/or having to guard Eddie, as she might try to kill him! SAVE OUR EDDIE!! :D.

2: After the first one, tell her that Edward and his family are vampires, Jacob is a werewolf etc. Bring up the fact that you think that the wedding will be lots of fun because all of her new in-laws will be there. If she hasn't passed out yet tell her that Phil just LOVES Esme, Edward's mother.

3: Tell her that Phil was just murdered…

…by Charlie.

4: Call her randomly and tell her that she won an all expense paid vacation to Forks.

5: After telling her about the Cullens and the Werewolves, tell her that Jacob is in love with her.

6: Pay Jane to stalk her, and sing right her love poems.

…read some of them when Phil's around.

7: To make up for all the rotten stuff you did to her, offer to set up a nice romantic evening for her and Phil. Offer to give her a makeover for the occasion. (This is where the fun starts) Give her a Redneck Makeover and tell her that that's what Phil likes. Take pictures, you know the drill. Oh, make sure the date is at a place close to somewhere that sells popcorn, you're gonna need it.

8: On said date, pretend to feel all sorry about the Redneck thing and say you really thought you were helping. To make up for your "mistakes" offer to 

make the date more romantic. Quote Romeo and Juliet in a really high and opera-like voice. Then, burp the ABCs and play the Canadian National anthem on your tuba, REALLY loud and REALLY off-key.

9: Make her read Bella/Edward M rated stories. WARNING! Your computer may be in danger from her puking! If so, GET IT ON TAPE!

10: Invite her and Charlie to Bella's "pre-wedding party" FAR, FAR away from Forks and Florida. "Accidentally" only book one hotel room, with one bed!

**Wow. Poor Renée! She REALLY got tortured! AS for my updates, it's gonna be weird for the next couple of weeks, because of dance camp. So, there's gonna be like no updates and then several in the same day. Sorry! **

**Next up: Victoria.**

**Followed by: Tanya. **

**Thanks for reading! Let's see if we can break 400 in the next three chappies!**

**Patronus OUT!!**


	19. Victoria

**BACK!! Here it is! VICTORIA!! **

**Disclaimer: Disclaimer! Disclaimer! Where art thou disclaimer! I can't seem to come up with any good ones these days! **

10 Ways to Annoy Victoria

1: Tell her that Edward didn't really kill James. James killed himself because he was tragically in love with Bella, but she loved another…

2: Mention that you think some counseling and yoga classes would do wonders for her temper. Take the liberty of signing her up for some classes.

3: In a casual conversation with her, say, "So are you like still obsessed with that James guy? I mean he is like so ugly. I totally don't know what you ever saw in him." Run. Fast.

4: Write her a theme song; sing/play it whenever she is trying to have an 'evil moment.'

5: Make her entire New Born Vampire army wear "James is an Ugly Loser" tee-shirts. Give her one. Do a play-by-play of the death of James until she agrees to wear it. Take pictures! Use them as Blackmail!

6: Re-enact her death scene with sock puppets. Give her a really high squeaky voice. Repeat this action in front of her army/the Cullens/etc. Feeling evil? Victoria, too, can be on YouTube!

7: Throw her a huge Birthday party. Invite her army. Have them play 'pin the tail on the donkey,' only instead of a donkey; "accidentally" get a picture of James instead of a donkey.

8: Force her to take Ballroom dancing classes. Pay Jasper to be her partner and to throw random emotions at her the whole time! You might want to try some Chex-mix as you are most likely out of popcorn by now. :D

9: Tell her that she would have better luck in life if she was more like Bella.

10: Tell her that while James was alive he was cheating on her with a one-legged hooker.

**I really don't have much to say, except thanks to all of your who stuck with this story. I have not been flamed for this story yet, I don't want to start now, but I welcome critic. I would like to improve **

**my writing in any way possible. So yea, now some info you might actually care about!**

**THE FINAL LINE UP!**

**Tanya**

**Sam (this one goes out to my 400****th**** review!)**

**Laurent **

**The Werewolves!**

**Lauren/Eric (they each get five)**

**AND FINALLY!! A special contest. **

**Patronus OUT!!**


	20. Tanya

**Behold! The Tanya chapter! Just to let you know, I am going back and fixing the other chapters; THERE WILL BE NO CHANGES MADE OTHER THAN GRAMMAR AND FORMATTING! **

**Disclaimer: I eat pie! You should too! I don't own Twilight BOO HOO!**

10 Ways to Annoy Tanya

1: Tell her that Edward is really a girl.

2: Make her read the Twilight books, especially the parts with EdwardxBella action. Ok, here's the catch, change them around a little so Tanya is portrayed as Victoria.

3: Tell her that if she wants Edward to like her, she has to make him jealous, how? By dating Eric Yorkie! Make it a double date, invite Edward and Bella, to celebrate their engagement. I'm sure you won't have to pay them to make out; they will do it for free!

4: Read off a list of reasons why Bella is better for Edward than she is. Do this whenever her friends are around.

5: Force her to watch Star Wars with you. Make really far off comparisons between her live and the movie.

6: Tell her that, Edward likes Star Wars, and that she should talk about it non-stop whenever he's around… Popcorn!

7: Follow her around singing really annoying country songs. Tell her that Edward put you up to it.

8: After the last one, tell her that the reason Edward put you up to that is that he wants to take her to a country music concert. Get her there yourself, only have the date that meets Tanya at the gate be… ERIC YORKIE! MUWHAHAHAHA!!

9: Make her watch Harry Potter with you. Tell her that Edward and Bella remind you of Harry and Ginny. When she asks what character SHE reminds you of say Dudley Dursley.

10: Tell her that the newborns killed Edward and that if she had just brought her coven to the fight he would still be alive. Tell her that she should go and comfort Bella.

**Coming up next-**

**SAM!!**

**Can we break 500 reviews in the next two chapter? Guess we'll have to wait and see!**

**Patronus OUT!!**


	21. Sam

**WAAAAAAAAAAHH HOOOOOOOOOOOO!! We did it! 500 reviews! The lucky winner is… (drum roll) CRAZILY SANE PANCAKE!! Speaking of reviewers, this chapter is for reviewer number 400, vampireXprincess (time flies)! Anyways, without further rambling, SAM ULEY!**

**Disclaimer: The plot bunny stole my disclaimer! I… err… "borrowed" some ideas from 100 Things to Do at ****Wal-Mart****.**

**Special thanks to everyone for reviewing and NOT flaming, and to my new beta for this fic, who will be in charge of the editing, Tendrilofthought, who also submitted some awesome ideas!**

10 Ways to Annoy Sam Uley

1: Tell him that EVERYONE thinks Jacob should be alpha, because Sam is obviously not sensitive enough for the job. Cough Leah's name under your breath. After this, pay some of the wolves to say, "so, what does the REAL pack leader think?" whenever he gives an order.

2: Force him to watch Leah and Jacob make out. Pay Leah to think disturbing thoughts… use your imagination, people.

3: Tell him that Emily got plastic surgery so that she could look like Leah. What happens next?

4: When he's trying to have some romantic time with Emily, start asking him really random questions like "do you know where my oboe is?" or "what color is your underwear today?" Refuse to go away until he answers you.

5: Kidnap Emily. Give her popcorn and a good spot to watch what you are going to do next. Tell Sam that you won't give her back until he agrees to play with the automatic doors at Wal-Mart for a day straight (non-stop) and sing Jacob love songs.

6: Next time he goes someplace with Emily or the pack, get people he has never seen before to run up to him and say things like "Oh my! I haven't 

seen you in SO long! Remember last time, oh my, my!" Or maybe even something like "YOU! YOU TWO-TIMING B-STR-D!"

7: Suggest that he become a therapy dog. Then say, "oh, never mind, you wouldn't be as good as Jake, since he's hotter." Get a bunch of rabid fan girls to back you up.

8: While he's sleeping, replace his entire wardrobe with Alice's clothing. This will not only force him to wear tiny, girly clothes, but it will have the added effect of making the pack abandon him due to his smell. Take lots of pictures!

9: Get "Barbie Girl" stuck in Jacob's head, and then send him out to run with Sam. Hide behind Emmett when the pack of large, angry werewolves comes to kill you. Sing it with me, everyone! "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world…"

10: Hide his teddy bear. In the Cullen's house. Give him a long lecture about violating the treaty if he tries to get his precious toy back.

**Ah, yeah, another chapter has come and gone. Be sure to check out my new Twilight parody, Vampire in the Kitchen.**

**I will now embrace my inner-rabid fan girl.**

**OH MY GOSH!! BREAKING DAWN IN LIKE TWO DAYS ! OMG OMG!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!**

**Ok, now that that's over, I'd like to announce (with regret) that we are nearing the end of this story, (for the final line up- see chapter 17) and so I'd like to announce ONE MORE CONTEST! This one's called TEAM JACOB VS. TEAM EDWARD!**

**Here's how it works:**

**The parting chapter will contain five ways to annoy Jacob and five ways to annoy Edward. Here's the catch-- the ideas all come from you!**

**To submit your idea, all you need to do is add it to your review or PM. Please, only one idea per team! You can submit an idea for both teams, but I will only chose one, if any… I am only picking FIVE from each! But don't worry-- everyone who enters WILL be recognized in the credits chapter.**

**After the contest chapter is posted, you will have only ONE chance to vote for your team.**

**The winner will be announced in the credits chapter.**

**More questions? Just ask! **

**Patronus OUT!!**


	22. Leah Clearwater

**NEWS FLASH!! PATRONUS CHARM IS NOT DEAD!! **

**Yes, it's true I am alive and updating! Sorry about my little trip off the face of the earth, the last bit of the summer was really busy, and I was on vacation at a hotel with internet that makes a snail look like the cars going three hundred miles per hour my dad was obsessing over as well as stressing over my first couple weeks at Highschool. I am a freshmen or did I move? If you're not my friends, or some perverted stalker person that follows me everywhere that I still don't know about, you don't need to know. :D**

**Also please note that you are reading the un-betaed version of this chapter, my beta never responded and I felt that I had made you wait long enough, so I will repost this chapter when it has been edited. There will be no changes in anything except grammar unless I say otherwise. **

**Anyway, at the end of this chapter (which is Leah, not Laurent . Why? Cause I feel like it).**

**Anyway, before I waste a whole page ranting let's start shall we? **

**Lots of thanks to my buddies who have helped me with this fic!**

**Disclaimer: You have problems if you think I own Twilight. I would not have killed off Irina or put Jacob and Renesme together.**

**10 Ways to Annoy Leah Clearwater**

1) Make her listen to a four hour or more seminar on "Female Werewolves and Why They are Freaks of Nature and Can Never Have Love Lives". Tell her that Sam put you up to it.

2) Tell her that Sam ditched Emily to take an 'under water basket weaving' class with her. When she doesn't believe you and/or tries to get you placed in an asylum, sing really annoying TV theme songs in chipmunk speak. When she gets to the beach were "Sam" was going to meet her, throw her into the arms of this chess-club type guy bearing a nametag that says Sam on it.

3) Present her with a complete fluffy gushy novel that all together tell the tragic story of the two lovers, Sam and Emily. Make her read every single word. Warning: some language used from Leah may not be suitable for young children or people with un-corrupted minds.

4) Get everyone she knows to speak to her in Pig Latin and only Pig Latin. How long should they do this? That my friend is a good question…

5) By her one of those really annoying singing bass wall ornament things. When she gets SO annoyed with you playing it all the time feed her some sob story about how you worked really hard to pay for it so to help her get over Sam.

6) Ok, so you got Barbie Girl stuck in Jacob's head, good for you. Let's turn it up a notch. Get Hanna Montana songs and the Kim Possible theme song stuck in Jacob's head before FORCEING Leah to go on a run with him. When she gets home, blast the songs from your stereo. Don't stop. Pop is fattening, try some lemonade with your popcorn!

7) Pay Embry to dress up as Dark Vader and to follow her around going "may the Force be with you". Oh, also have him quote Shakespeare plays.

8) Get a giant loud speaker and announce to the WHOLE town of Forks and La Push that Leah WAS hopelessly in love with Sam, but now she has moved on to Laurent. Get Laurent to come back from the dead to back you up.

9) Go up to her and start gushing about her 'wedding' to Laurent. When she asks you what the heck you are talking about, laugh and say something along the lines of "silly love stuck girl". Walk away without another word. The next day send her love letters from 'Laurent'.

10) Make her read this list and tell her that Sam wrote it for Emily. Sorry if she throws stuff…

**Yeah, yeah I know I said a while back I would do Laurent, but I er sort of forgot so I did Leah. Laurent will be next chappie. Also, I think this is one of my weaker chapters. If I get enough ideas submitted, I might do a re-edited Leah Chapter. **

**The contest is still in full swing! Vote, submit, and give me Laurent ideas as well, I need em'.**

**Tootles-**

**Patronus.**


	23. Laurent

**Welcome one, welcome all! It pains me to announce that this is the final official chapter of 10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Characters. BUT don't go on a ranting spree just yet, there's still the combined chapter of Lauren and Eric as well as the contest (aka The Grand Finale). Then we will be saying good-bye with a special credits chapter…**

**And you know what?**

**There's going to be a sequel. Details? Well you'll just have to wait and see! **

**Yes, I am aware that I am an evil, heartless person for making you wonderful people wait.**

**Oh, and on a sort of sad note, I was punished for my deadness by receiving the lowest amount of new chapter reviews ever. This was because of a fanfiction backlog of PMs and other types of email alerts during the time when I published the previous update. If you get this alert, but did not recieve the one for the previous chapter, this is why. Also, maybe you people are just getting bored of me. Thanks to everyone who reviewed anyway!**

**Disclaimer: Hmm… insert catchy disclaimer here.**

**Special thanks to all my reviewers who just won't leave my inbox alone, I couldn't do this without you. Chex Mix for all! Oh, and let's not forget the wonderful people who have been submitting ideas!**

**10 Ways to Annoy Laurent**

1: Call him "Lauren." When he yells at you, tell him that this is for his own good because he is obviously in denial that Lauren is really his true name. Rant on and on about the signs of denial and recommend consoling and anger management courses.

2: Force him to play "house" with you. Make him play the mom every time and wear 1700's women's clothing.

3: Tell him that his attempts to sell James out to the Cullens were worthless. He wants his wedding ring back; he really thought they had something special.

4: Make him go on Opera to talk about his problems. Invite Irina to come and watch.

5: Make a list for reasons why James would be a WAY better mate for Irina than him. Read said list out loud whenever she is around. Try Act II Butter Lovers!

6: Read him bedtime stories when he is trying to talk to Irina.

7: Remember that singing fish you got Leah? Don't you think it would look just fabulous as Laurent's necklace?

8: Write sonnets about your unwavering love to him and have Edward read them to him while in a bikini.

9: Make him watch _Titanic_ with you. When he doesn't cry on the sad parts, get really mad at him and threaten to tell the Volturi on him. When he asks what about him you could possibly know that would interest the Volturi, laugh evilly and whisper under your breath "denial!"

10: Force him to go to a play with you and Irina. Only, the play is actually a twisted version of his death were he was trying to confess his love for Bella when the werewolves killed him. At the end of the play, announce that you and the cast would like to thank him for submitting his play containing his true thoughts and emotional journey. Points given if Irina causes damage to him. Points taken away if she insults my play script of throws my popcorn at him.

**Wow, I actually came up with this one pretty quick. Real quick before I hit the hay, I'd like to announce that this is your LAST CHANCE for Team Edward, Team Jacob contest entries. In case you forgot, I am doing a contest chapter. Five ideas for Edward, five for Jacob. These ideas are submitted by YOU at home. That's right, put down the popcorn and get your funny torture ideas ready. **

**The top five ideas for each will be part of my Grand Finale chapter. After that, you can vote for your favorite, Team Edward, Team Jacob. The winner will be announced in the Credits chapter...**

**And then…**

**You get to wait for the sequel.**

**Bring on the suspenseful music.**

**Patronus OUT!!**


	24. Lauren M Eric Y

_Hello everyone, my name is Edward Cullen. Patronus Charm can't come to the computer right now because she got into a bit of trouble for trying to send Aro singing birthday cards. She will be out until the end of this chapter while she bribes him with Rihainna CDs._

_While I am here I would like to express my dislike that you all find me so annoyable. Really, you should annoy Jacob Black. He is much more suited for the job than I._

_Oh and I am Edward Cullen. I am sexier than you._

_She made me write that, I swear._

_Disclaimer: Patronus doesn't own Twilight. I am just sexier than you._

_Like I said, she made me write that._

**Part 1: Five Ways to Annoy Lauren.**

1: Tell her that she should go on fanfiction and help the bunny achieve world domination. Do this whenever there is a dull moment.

2: Pay Harry Potter to put the imperious curse on her. Have him make her burst into Forks High singing "I'm too Sexy."

3: Tell her Eric is actually a Yorkie. No, really (bring in pet Yorkie here).

3: Tell her that Tyler would have liked her if she was nicer to Bella, but she kinda blew her chance. Ask her what color her brides maids dress is.

4: Fill her locker with frogs. Tell her that Bella did it.

5: Follow her around everywhere she goes (bathroom included!) and keep making suggestions to better improve her well being. Tell her that she should be more like Bella.

**Part 2: Five Ways to Annoy Eric**

1: Give him a book entitled "The Worst Boyfriend EVER". This book should go into detail describing a horrible boyfriend. AKA him.

2: Dress up like a duck and follow him everywhere. Tell everyone who stares at you that he told you to do this so he would get attention.

3: Invite him to go with you and Bella to a amusement park. Tell him that this would be the perfect opertunity to flirt with her. Force him to ride the tallest roller coster until he pukes all over her.

4: Blurt out that the reason Bella never liked him is because in another life he is a vampire. Say this around Edward for bonus points. Points given for how hard he laughs.

5: Convince him that real men wear tutus. To school. Bring popcorn!

_I hope you liked it. Of course, I-_

**Bad a bing ba da boom. Patronus Charm is in the house. **

**Hope you liked it! Stay tuned for the grand finale, aka the contest results. The deadline for entrys is ****October 25, 2008.**

**Thanks to EdwardisMINE for being the 600****th**** reviewer! This chapter was decicated to you!**

**Patronus OUT!!**

_Edward Cullen is out as well._


	25. The Final Ways to Annoy: Contest Results

**DRUM ROLE PLEASE!**

**WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE WONDER, AMAZING, THE SPETCALULAR…**

**GRAND FINALE!**

**Before we begin, I'd like to take some time to thank everyone who entered. Your effort and comedy are appriacted greatly, even if you weren't chosen. **

**Also, just because your ideas weren't chosen, doesn't mean they're not funny. I simply wanted a good mix of ideas. **

**Remember to cast your vote for the winning team as a review for this chapter. No more votes will be counted after November 21th, 2008. **

**If one of your ideas was picked your names will be announced next to it as well as in the Credits chapter, which will be posted on the cut-off date. Please also note that the order in which these ideas are displayed means nothing. **

**And now I'm gonna make you wait longer because we need a disclaimer.**

**Behold!**

**The disclaimer.**

**And the longest authors note EVER.**

**Which is over now.**

**THE FINAL FIVE: Ways to Annoy Edward-**

1: _Submitted by __free-your-mind-dreamer: _Convince the Cullens and the Wolves to re-enact their favorite Highschool Musical/Hannah Montana/Jonas Brothers songs! Go all out with the performances...

2: _Submitted by __EdwardCullenDuh: _Daydream about him at the beach, with him running around screaming "I'M FRIGGIN SPARKLY!" Then ask him politely if he wants to go to the beach.

3: _Submitted by __Haku's No. 1 Girl. _Force him to let you dye his hair black, and slick it back. Then, dress him in a dark cape and put fangs in his mouth, just like Dracula. When he gets mad tell him, "Bella likes the more _authentic _vampire type. That's why she eloped with Dracula, I'm trying to get her to fall in love with you again," and smile sweetly.

4: _Submitted by __Bookits:_Start thinking a million things a minute, until he yells for you to shut up, then start balling and run to Bella and tell her how rude Edward is.

5: _Submitted by tonksxhairbandxklutz: _Tell him that Bella thinks it's manly to watch Hanna Montanna for two weeks strait. Tell him that this is why she is on a date with Jacob and this is the best way to get her back.

**THE FINAL FIVE: Ways to Annoy Jacob-**

1: _Submitted by __ChocolateChipFudgeyCookie: _Follow Jacob in his wolf form until he phases back. Tell him Edward is way bigger than he is, and no wonder Bella picked him.

2: _Submitted by __Cinderheart in the twilight skies:_Talk to him in a little baby voice and say," Who's my wittle wuppy! You are! Yes you are! You're my wittle wuppy!" whenever you pass him. Then make him change into a dog and take him to the groomer to get a poodle cut.

3: _Submitted by __elvinscarf32:_ Send him a basket full of dog toys, with a card that says 'have fun, love the vamps.'

4: _Submitted by __Duskgrowlthevampire:_ Throw a bone and yell "FETCH!"

5: _Submitted by __theninjafrommars: _Hide Renesme and tell him he can't see her until he willingly wears a flea collar everywhere, even in human form. Then when he asks why tell him it was Bella and Edward.

**And now, I proclaim the vote ON.**

**WHO WILL WIN? **

**Team Edward or Team Jacob?**

**VOTE NOW! You only have until November 21, the day the Twilight Movie is released!**

**THE COUNT DOWN IS ON! **

**The credits chapter will contain thanks to various people, honorable mentions for this contest and 10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Charatcers: The Story Behind the story.**

**Love you all!**

**~Patronus~**


	26. Credits

Well this is it. After this, I declare this fic complete. I am NOT crying! Really! Ignore the tear stains on my computer!

As for the contest, the winner was Team Edward.

Edward would like to say a few words about his victory.

_**Of course I won. I am way better for Bella than that mutt. I am amazing and yes, EdwardCullenDuh I **_**DO **_**sparkle. And no, I have no interest what-so-ever in going to the beach with ANY of you. Also, I still find it utterly repulsive that you people still wish to continue torturing me. I must express my disgust that this has brought to the Twilight world. I can hardly walk outside my door with out someone yelling "I JUST KISSED BELLA SWAN WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?" I must say that that is quite annoying and we of the Twilight world have some complaints. Our demands, note-**_

That will be quiet enough Edward. Someone obviously forgot to mention to him that this was a sentimental moment and he is supposed to talk about how honored he was to be part of this fic. But who reads the script these days anyway?

Anyway, Congratulations to the winning team as well as everyone who participated in the contest.

Now, as you may know I can't write a short story, so brace yourselves for much Patronus rambling. If you want information about the Sequel, skip to the bottom until you find the bold writing. If you want to know more about how this story was created, and listen to me thank people, keep reading.

10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Characters celebrates its eighth month anniversary today. Eight months ago, I posted the first chapter, Edward Cullen. I did this over Easter break not knowing how much fun I would have torturing all of my favorite characters would be.

This story was born a few days before it was posted at my friend SakuraAlice's party. My other fanfiction buddies who I know in real life were there, tonksxhairbandxklutz, Snowstorm25, Leafdrop, Mistheart13, and edwardcullenloverx, among others. The fic's place of birth is a table in the little mall in our little town where we spent her birthday. After much shopping we were eating greasy food and talking about Twilight. The classic, "who's better, Edward or Jacob?" became a Jacob bashing session and many dog jokes were exchanged. Then we started talking about things that would annoy Edward and Jacob, and who would be easier to annoy. Some of the ideas featured in chapters 1 and 2 were thought of there. At that time I was a relatively new author and thought it might be a funny two shot to try. My friends thought the same. We left the mall joking and happy only I couldn't seem to let the idea die, and the first two chapters found themselves on a dry erase board in SakuraAlice's basement.

Roughly three days later, 10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Characters was introduced to the world, and my inbox became flooded with reviews, which is still the best feeling in the world, knowing that something I wrote makes people fall out of their chairs from laughing so hard (before that I had only done warriors fics, mostly really angsty one-shots).

And for the record, I AM NOT CRYING!

Anyway, I can't take all the credit, these are some of the people who really have helped me, this story couldn't be possible without their support and torture ideas.

This story is decicated to tonksxhairbandxklutz and Leafdrop for their intense beating and ideas. Also for supporting me and putting up with my endless chatting about story ideas. You and the rest of the gang are the best friends a girl could ever have.

Thank you to my very first reviewer on a story ever, Queen Annie Ferny Cullen.

Thank you to 10 Ways to Annoy's first and ever faithful reviewer, Crazily Sane Pancake! Thanks for sticking with me to the end.

Thank you to reviewers number, 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, and 600. You all have a special place in my heart for your sear good luck and support.

Thank you to my beta, tendrilofthought.

thank you to someone aka me for her never wavering support.

And finally thank you to everyone who has ever reviewed or submitted an idea, this story could not be possible without you.

As of 11/23/08 10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Characters has 664 reviews, NO FLAMES (thought I think I may be inviting them since this is an author's note not a chapters…), 166 favorites, 145 alerts, and can be found in three C2s.

The sequel shall be called 10 Things You Never Knew About the Cullen Clan, told by Emmett Cullen. Watch as Emmett deals the dirt on his family's hidden chapters, and gets himself into a lot of trouble in the process.

This should be published when I get my other humor story (which has been sadly neglected lately) Vampire in the Kitchen done with. To make the wait seem shorter, you can read that or a fic of a good friend of mine, Twilight Spoof, which is a spoof of the Twilight trailer, just in time for the movie to be out. The link is posted on my profile under "Story of the Month".

Also, I plan to publish a little something for my own one-year anniversary. That's right folks, December 19th 2008 I will have been on this site for officially one year.

On that day, brace yourselves for a one-shot to end all one-shots.

Jacob Black will read 10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Characters. Look out Edward, that's all I can say. As for me, well I have to run. Edward brought an angry mob of Twilight characters, and they're not very happy…

As of now I pronounce this story COMPLETE!

For the last time in this fic,

PATRONUS OUT!!


	27. IMPORTANT NEWS!

**Hey people! Sorry to disappoint, I know everyone hates these authors notes, but this is not an update. However, I have extremely good news!**

**My other Twilight comdey, _Vampire in the Kitchen_, was recently nominated for The Indie TwiFic Best Use of Comedy Award. I've never actually won anything so it's a pretty big deal to me. If you haven't yet read _Vampire in the Kitchen_, the link is posted at the top of my profile.**

**Here's the link for the voting, which begins on July Eighth (obviously without the spaces). Thanks a ton!**

**http :// www. the indie twific awards . com / vote . aspx**

**This Message will self destruct on July 12th, i.e. the last day of voting!**

**VOTE!**

**~Patronus Charm**


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